The Girl Behind Fox Hollow Cottage (part one)
I’m going to warn you right off the bat.
I have a tendency to ramble.
I’ll try not to, but I can’t make any promises. I want to write this from the heart and as it flows.
There are some things I want to share with you, and I think it’s time. I’m going to start writing, and I might hit publish when I am done. If you are reading this now, then I gulped and did it. (and I’m probably sick to my stomach right now!)
Like all of you I have a story. It’s not necessarily earth-shattering, but I have one. There have been times over the last few years, since I began blogging in 2011, that I have wanted to reach out in a more personal way to my readers. My readers? I don’t like how that sounds because to me, I’m just a girl (I never refer to myself as a woman, I don’t know why?) that has a blog that some people read. In my mind, I’m just like you.
Back to the sharing part though… some of the most important moments in my life are the milestones we all have growing up, plus things like getting married and having children. The things I’ve held back on talking about and the experiences I’ve wanted to share are about the darker, imperfect parts of my life.
Not long ago, when a popular actor committed suicide, I felt an urge to share how I too have dealt with depression. Obviously I’d never felt an equal depth of despair, because I never sought that release, but I wanted to shout; “I hurt too sometimes, but hang in there! You can never feel better if you’re not here!” I wanted to talk and open a dialogue. But it felt wrong. I didn’t want to be perceived as trying to, gosh… I don’t know… make it “about me”. The timing was not right. It was talked about on the Fox Hollow Cottage Facebook page, because I did not want to ignore it, but I didn’t share anything personal. The timing didn’t feel right, even though I had thought about it previous to that, on many occasions. If you happened to read a personal story, or share at that time, please know I am not bashing… it simply was not right, for me.
I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety since I was in grade school.
(Not when I was this young. Who could be sad rocking a groovy green jumpsuit?)
I don’t recall being an unhappy child. It smacked me upside the head, oh, about my pre-teen years.
I can vividly recall sitting in class and wanting to go home so badly, to be anywhere, but in that room… that if I could have, I would have wished myself into non-existence. I could have disappeared into pure nothingness, flowed into a black hole in the floor… anything just to not be there. What I did accomplish, was making myself sick to my stomach with nerves. I frequently visited the nurses office. I was forever calling my mom to come pick me up. The best case scenario was if my mom was not home. Remember, there were no cell phones back then, in the “olden days”. If my mom did not pick-up, next on the list… was grandma. My mom’s mom.
Grandma was the best! She would roll up to school in her giant, tuna-boat car and whisk me away to the safety of a pale aqua kitchen, creaky, linoleum covered wood floors and a hand scooped, vanilla milk shake made with whole milk and Hershey’s chocolate syrup from a little tin can. The same tin can, when empty, that was used to cut homemade biscuits from the rolled out dough. You know a milkshake cures a stomachache right? In the few short blocks from my school to my grandmother’s house, I would already be feeling much better, as relief would wash over me. We would sit in her big chair, put our feet up on the ottoman, and I would watch her stories with her. I don’t know if she knew or suspected there was more to it. She is gone know so I can’t ask her. I’d like to think she did and just acted as a haven, knowing my mom would sort me out.
This was wonderful while It lasted, but at some point, my mom had to come get me. My mom is the best, she is and was, loving and nurturing, but she also knew there was rarely a damn thing wrong with me. There was of course, but it had nothing to do with a cold or flu. The anxiety would start to build while I waited for her to come fetch me because I knew I wasn’t physically ill, but the desire to be away from school was so strong, I was willing to incur her disappointment and unhappiness with me to escape.
(This is me at 12, rocking the Farrah feathers)
For anyone who suffers from depression or anxiety, you’ll know that school had nothing to do with it. I liked school well enough most days. I was a good student, my teacher’s liked me (when I wasn’t talking) and I had a lot of friends. I actually enjoyed school on days when, as I know now, I wasn’t in a depressive slump, or something hadn’t triggered a huge ball of anxiety in my chest. When you are in grade school though, you have no clue what is going on. I wasn’t so much escaping from, but running to someplace I could better manage my emotions, like home or my grandmas’s house.
Fast forward to Junior High and into High School and it only got worse. I would feign illness because I could not even begin to deal with the blackness. There was no more coming home from school, I just wasn’t getting up to go at all. I wasn’t home enough to call attention from the school for excessive absences, but I was definitely staying home because of my inability to deal with my feelings. I could not even begin to express my feelings or pinpoint them. My parents tried so hard to find out “what was wrong”… but I didn’t have the words. There really were none. Nothing was wrong. My answer was always; “I don’t know?” And I didn’t. It was all chemicals and emotions. There wasn’t an external cause. You see, hormones play a major part in depression. Two days could be exactly alike, but if my hormones were off… which hello? Teenage girl! Double whammy. I could not function like I did any other day.
I saw the school counselor, but all I could share were just normal, everyday teenage problems. I had no idea how to articulate the way I felt.
(My Senior Photo)
I have to reiterate, that much like in grade school, I was mostly happy in High School. I had teachers I loved, and hated. lol. I had very close friends, I had larger, more casual groups of friends as well. I attended school functions, was in school groups, was a T.A, took college-prep courses, worked, dated, went out on weekends, etc… Oh, I was also a typical, know-it-all teenager. I rolled my eyes, popped my hip, did the “sigh” of disgust. I was mostly what you would call a “good kid” though.
In fact, I think I had a killer childhood and a ton of fun growing up!! I consider myself so lucky. I didn’t experience any sort of extreme trauma, this was just something I went through, and continue to deal with.
I’m going to break here and leave off at High School. I obviously survived… but there is more story to tell and I don’t want to skip anything important. Or have you nod-off while reading!!
Thank you so much for reading if you are still here.
My hope in sharing, is that this helps someone else who might be feeling lost or sad, know that you can make it! You can find ways to cope, be happy, and you can have a great life!! I’ll be sharing how I have managed to do just that in a future post.
*UPDATE: follow-up with PART TWO click here, PART THREE click here,
PART FOUR click here, and the wrap-up PART FIVE click here.
Before I go, I do need to be clear on something, suicide is not something I have ever considered, even when feeling my absolute worst so please don’t worry for me.
If suicide is something you have or do think about, please, please, please seek help. In that one moment, you don’t want to make a choice that you can never come back from. There is hope. There is help.
You can click here to visit The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and live chat if you are in crisis.
Or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.
PS: All my original comments and responses were sadly lost… as comments are automatically disabled on older posts (which I didn’t realize) but you can always message me on Facebook or send an email to foxhollowcottage@gmail.com
More Ideas & Inspiration
The Girl Behind Fox Hollow Cottage (part two)
The Girl Behind Fox Hollow Cottage (part 5)
The Girl Behind Fox Hollow Cottage (part four)
The Girl Behind Fox Hollow Cottage (part three)
That Damn Depression Thing
Helpful Tools For Living with Depression
Style Showcase 29 | Porch, Patio & Home Decorating Ideas
Is It Friday Yet?
My daughter and I both suffer from anxiety, and I have suffered from chronic low grade depression…aka dysthymia.
My daughter’s anxiety started in 1st grade, but we didn’t understand what was going on until the end of her second grade year when she started having full blown panic attacks…her little body shaking and heart pounding, crying. It still breaks my heart. She actually didn’t finish second grade…there were only a few weeks left of school and she could no longer function. Thankfully, we were in a private school and the principal and teachers were very gracious and just graded her up until that point.
She went to counseling, got on medication, and started improving. We did have to switch meds, Watching her go through all of this made me face my own anxiety. So, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed and treated for anxiety as well as dysthymia. Life changing!
We both are so much better now. I sometimes experience mild anxiety or low mood ( winter is a bitch for that) And my daughter had experienced some anxiety along the way, but hadn’t had a full blown panic attack until several weeks ago.
I’m so glad you’re sharing your story…it makes me feel stronger, understood and supported. Love you!
You know it’s funny, we can be so strong! There are times I’m ridiculously strong and capable. Much more so now. There were times then that I just wasn’t. Yes, Winter can be hard. There is a seasonal disorder as well. Thank goodness you recognized your daughters problems. I can imagine that was heartbreaking!! I still have trouble once in awhile but I manage it. I’m happy you are too!!!!
. . . and yet another connection. Though liking Halloween and Hello Kitty (lol) among other things, are more fun to have in common than this, here is something else I understand about you but would never know if you hadn’t shared this post. I usually don’t like to talk about myself either, but in the last couple of years I’ve been able to say, mostly without shame now, that I missed a decade of my life due to depression. Coming out of it, I’ve learned so much–there’s so much to it! Like you, I am also a happy person, but I also know now how to pay attention to myself differently to take good care of myself. I write life lessons because those are the things I need to read every day! We’re committed, on our blog, to being brave and talking about depression (when the occasion presents itself) in order to help eliminate the stigma of shame that has surrounded it for such a long time. Thanks for doing the same! You are a brave, beautiful, and wonderful lady. 🙂
Yes! I got old enough, I’ve been able to manage it much better. There are signs. And I head them Not something fun to have in common at all. Fun stuff is much more, well… FUN 🙂 Your blog is so, so uplifting and I adore it!! I’m trying to be brave. Thank you.
So glad that I popped over to read your blog today Shannon and I admire you for spilling your personal guts. Although thankfully I have never suffered from this, a very close member of my family has and I’ve seen the depression and anxiety struggles first hand. You feel so helpless when there isn’t much that you can do other than be there and be supportive.
I wish you a great future ahead…filled with many happy days. xo, Janet
Knowing people care, and even try to understand feels good. I am sure your support is much appreciated. I have found ways to cope that works for me. I have a wonderful life and am happy most days. Thank you so much for your happy wishes Janet!! xo Shannon
That took a lot of bravery Shannon, I am so amazed by your courage. I have been living four years
of holy hell in my life. I so desperately want to share but it would take so much time. In the past four years, we have had twelve deaths. Mostly family– one of which was a suicide. People act like this is nothing, REALLY. The stigma of suicide is horrible. You hate to say the word for fear what people think of you.. It is hard to find the right person to confide in. I am left with cleaning up the pieces of life and marching forward. My husband and I have cleaned out three homes from stem to stern. Needless to say, we need to work on “the way we were” before all of this happened. He is a wonderful man, but men lack the compassion that women have. I am waxing on too long. It just brings up those sad, hollow feelings and I cannot give into it today. So much to do before the next snow storm. Thanks for reading this. Thanks for your delightful blog. Wish you weren’t so far away!!!!! : )
Like I said, it had been wanting to come out for some time. I don’t feel courageous, just like it was right to share, and get it out there. I can not imagine, can not even imagine what that is like. Even one can be debilitating to endure… I am so, genuinely sorry for you. There is still a huge stigma surrounding suicide, I think because it scares the hell out of people. It’s something that makes you feel powerless. And it hurts and is so destructive for those left behind. I have not had to experience it up close, and pray I never do. I can’t imagine you would not benefit from some help in sorting and dealing with all the emotions you must be feeling. Do you belong to any support groups? When I had cancer, that was a wonderful source of comfort for me. I hope things start to settle for you and you and your husband can find peace and happiness!! Blessings by the tons!! Shannon
What a brave post, Shannon! I am so happy you are sharing your story that will help others in similar situations and give all of us a glimpse into the ‘real’ you. 🙂 You’re always so positive and upbeat, which means you’ve learned the value of positivity and how to weather your storms – looking forward to reading the ‘rest of the story’ and how you achieved that, lovely lady!
Hi Jami! I have found some things that work for me. Thank you for the lovey, and very intuitive comment!! xoxo Shan
My husband suffers from depression which he now manages with medication. When I insisted he see the doctor regarding this (20 yes ago) he resisted due to the stigma associated with it. I asked him at the time if he were diabetic if he’d refuse insulin to stay alive, and he responded that would be a stupid decision. Well, depression and anxiety are just as serious to health, so move past the stigma and get help!! Now he tells me I saved his life. Also, he shared with all his siblings because it can be hereditary (he’s one of eight). Turns out they are all on meds for anxiety and/or depression. Thanks for advocating to remove the stigma so people feel comfortable asking for help. It matters!!
Such a good point and well said. You would seek help for any other problem, why not this? Love that, thank you for sharing!!!! Like anything else, it often does run in families, how wonderful that everyone is feeling better. That is a blessing to be sure!! Take care and much happiness to you!! Shannon
Oh Shannon…I am so sorry that you are dealing with this and I have to say “Thank-you” so very much for sharing your story. The timing is unbelievable for me.
I have struggled with anxiety and depression on and off for many years and I too suffered in school and just wanted to hide many days. I remember trying to leave a big hint to someone when I wrote my high school English thesis on “Depression and Suicide”.. to no avail actually. But I don’t blame anyone, because as you said, back “then” (for me during the 1970’s) no one talked about such things and didn’t really know how to identify it or help it. I can honestly say I never REALLY thought of taking my own life…but often just wanted to disappear and crawl into a hole somewhere or just sleep forever. I never talked about it much because I didn’t understand it myself and didn’t want people to think I was a “downer”. I was fortunate in that I had a lot of stable and normal times also, but the problem has never really left me and I still get bouts today. Some are worse than others and I just happen to be going through a bad time now. It has helped so much though to read your story and see that I am not alone. I am also very fortunate to have an extremely loving and understanding husband who guides me gently though the bad times. I just feel so bad burdening him with it though. He is always so positive and upbeat and I’m jealous of that sometimes. I really try…but there are just some days that I can’t do much more than pull myself out of bed. I am looking forward to more of you story…and once again…thank-you so much for sharing!
Lisa, The past was harder. Coping now, thank you! All that sounds so familiar! Not wanting to be a downer, I get that. I’m sorry you’re in a down time right now, I hope it’s short lived. Be kind to yourself and let your husband lift you up during those times. We are not alone. As you can see from the comments just here, on my blog.. unfortunately, many suffer from this. I think it’s important to be vocal and support each other. There are ways to feel better, medication, therapy.. definitely seek help for a better quality of life. I’m glad I shared, and so, so happy if you found it helpful in any way!! Blessing and hugs. Shannon
Thank you for sharing…
looking forward to the rest of your story.
Thank you for your support 🙂
I love you Shannon, you are the best. I completely understand all that you said, I now have a daughter who is in the same boat. It concerns me a lot but I at least can see what lies behind the beautiful smile and adorable eyes…a darkness that needs to find a light. Thank you so much for sharing, you are my kindred sister I am sure of it. xxxooo
Hi Christina, knowing and having support are key. That you are tuned-in and aware, and can get her access to help is that most important thing. I hope she finds a way to fight back that works for her. The sooner, the better. Love and light!! xo Shannon