The Girl Behind Fox Hollow Cottage (part one)
I’m going to warn you right off the bat.
I have a tendency to ramble.
I’ll try not to, but I can’t make any promises. I want to write this from the heart and as it flows.
There are some things I want to share with you, and I think it’s time. I’m going to start writing, and I might hit publish when I am done. If you are reading this now, then I gulped and did it. (and I’m probably sick to my stomach right now!)
Like all of you I have a story. It’s not necessarily earth-shattering, but I have one. There have been times over the last few years, since I began blogging in 2011, that I have wanted to reach out in a more personal way to my readers. My readers? I don’t like how that sounds because to me, I’m just a girl (I never refer to myself as a woman, I don’t know why?) that has a blog that some people read. In my mind, I’m just like you.
Back to the sharing part though… some of the most important moments in my life are the milestones we all have growing up, plus things like getting married and having children. The things I’ve held back on talking about and the experiences I’ve wanted to share are about the darker, imperfect parts of my life.
Not long ago, when a popular actor committed suicide, I felt an urge to share how I too have dealt with depression. Obviously I’d never felt an equal depth of despair, because I never sought that release, but I wanted to shout; “I hurt too sometimes, but hang in there! You can never feel better if you’re not here!” I wanted to talk and open a dialogue. But it felt wrong. I didn’t want to be perceived as trying to, gosh… I don’t know… make it “about me”. The timing was not right. It was talked about on the Fox Hollow Cottage Facebook page, because I did not want to ignore it, but I didn’t share anything personal. The timing didn’t feel right, even though I had thought about it previous to that, on many occasions. If you happened to read a personal story, or share at that time, please know I am not bashing… it simply was not right, for me.
I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety since I was in grade school.
(Not when I was this young. Who could be sad rocking a groovy green jumpsuit?)
I don’t recall being an unhappy child. It smacked me upside the head, oh, about my pre-teen years.
I can vividly recall sitting in class and wanting to go home so badly, to be anywhere, but in that room… that if I could have, I would have wished myself into non-existence. I could have disappeared into pure nothingness, flowed into a black hole in the floor… anything just to not be there. What I did accomplish, was making myself sick to my stomach with nerves. I frequently visited the nurses office. I was forever calling my mom to come pick me up. The best case scenario was if my mom was not home. Remember, there were no cell phones back then, in the “olden days”. If my mom did not pick-up, next on the list… was grandma. My mom’s mom.
Grandma was the best! She would roll up to school in her giant, tuna-boat car and whisk me away to the safety of a pale aqua kitchen, creaky, linoleum covered wood floors and a hand scooped, vanilla milk shake made with whole milk and Hershey’s chocolate syrup from a little tin can. The same tin can, when empty, that was used to cut homemade biscuits from the rolled out dough. You know a milkshake cures a stomachache right? In the few short blocks from my school to my grandmother’s house, I would already be feeling much better, as relief would wash over me. We would sit in her big chair, put our feet up on the ottoman, and I would watch her stories with her. I don’t know if she knew or suspected there was more to it. She is gone know so I can’t ask her. I’d like to think she did and just acted as a haven, knowing my mom would sort me out.
This was wonderful while It lasted, but at some point, my mom had to come get me. My mom is the best, she is and was, loving and nurturing, but she also knew there was rarely a damn thing wrong with me. There was of course, but it had nothing to do with a cold or flu. The anxiety would start to build while I waited for her to come fetch me because I knew I wasn’t physically ill, but the desire to be away from school was so strong, I was willing to incur her disappointment and unhappiness with me to escape.
(This is me at 12, rocking the Farrah feathers)
For anyone who suffers from depression or anxiety, you’ll know that school had nothing to do with it. I liked school well enough most days. I was a good student, my teacher’s liked me (when I wasn’t talking) and I had a lot of friends. I actually enjoyed school on days when, as I know now, I wasn’t in a depressive slump, or something hadn’t triggered a huge ball of anxiety in my chest. When you are in grade school though, you have no clue what is going on. I wasn’t so much escaping from, but running to someplace I could better manage my emotions, like home or my grandmas’s house.
Fast forward to Junior High and into High School and it only got worse. I would feign illness because I could not even begin to deal with the blackness. There was no more coming home from school, I just wasn’t getting up to go at all. I wasn’t home enough to call attention from the school for excessive absences, but I was definitely staying home because of my inability to deal with my feelings. I could not even begin to express my feelings or pinpoint them. My parents tried so hard to find out “what was wrong”… but I didn’t have the words. There really were none. Nothing was wrong. My answer was always; “I don’t know?” And I didn’t. It was all chemicals and emotions. There wasn’t an external cause. You see, hormones play a major part in depression. Two days could be exactly alike, but if my hormones were off… which hello? Teenage girl! Double whammy. I could not function like I did any other day.
I saw the school counselor, but all I could share were just normal, everyday teenage problems. I had no idea how to articulate the way I felt.
(My Senior Photo)
I have to reiterate, that much like in grade school, I was mostly happy in High School. I had teachers I loved, and hated. lol. I had very close friends, I had larger, more casual groups of friends as well. I attended school functions, was in school groups, was a T.A, took college-prep courses, worked, dated, went out on weekends, etc… Oh, I was also a typical, know-it-all teenager. I rolled my eyes, popped my hip, did the “sigh” of disgust. I was mostly what you would call a “good kid” though.
In fact, I think I had a killer childhood and a ton of fun growing up!! I consider myself so lucky. I didn’t experience any sort of extreme trauma, this was just something I went through, and continue to deal with.
I’m going to break here and leave off at High School. I obviously survived… but there is more story to tell and I don’t want to skip anything important. Or have you nod-off while reading!!
Thank you so much for reading if you are still here.
My hope in sharing, is that this helps someone else who might be feeling lost or sad, know that you can make it! You can find ways to cope, be happy, and you can have a great life!! I’ll be sharing how I have managed to do just that in a future post.
*UPDATE: follow-up with PART TWO click here, PART THREE click here,
PART FOUR click here, and the wrap-up PART FIVE click here.
Before I go, I do need to be clear on something, suicide is not something I have ever considered, even when feeling my absolute worst so please don’t worry for me.
If suicide is something you have or do think about, please, please, please seek help. In that one moment, you don’t want to make a choice that you can never come back from. There is hope. There is help.
You can click here to visit The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and live chat if you are in crisis.
Or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.
PS: All my original comments and responses were sadly lost… as comments are automatically disabled on older posts (which I didn’t realize) but you can always message me on Facebook or send an email to foxhollowcottage@gmail.com
Shannon, what you described in your story i have been feeling for years. But i am unable to tell anyone about this. Your story is incouraging and i thank you for sharing it. I have a great life and family, and i don’t want to make them feel less of me. So i hide as i always do…so they will always be happy. I think i will be going to my physician on Monday!! Thank you again for your story!!! MAKE IT A GOOD DAY!! I know i will because of you and for your gift for sharing!!!
Melanie, please do! You will never regret getting a helping hand, there is no shame in it. I have a great life and family too, but this stems from something else. I know what you are saying about burdening your family, but if you are getting help, I am sure they will support you!! You may find an actual support group as well. I have found talking to be extremely helpful. I wish you a good Doctors visit and a road to happiness. ~Shannon
Thank you very kindly!!
Of course!! Please let me know if I can help!! Luck 🙂
Thank you for an awesome post Shannon! I appreciate anyone that shares their story especially when it involves problems with depression. My darling hubby is manic-depressive and has rode the wild merry-go-round of dealing with it for many years. (he would not mind me telling since he is an advocate of telling his story to help others) The road of depression is a very difficult for all involved but horrific for the person standing at the crumbling edge of the “black pit” as we call it! Thankfully hubby’s issues are under control but took years to get to this point. My heart breaks for you and all those that have to deal with any kind of depression in life. Spreading the word that it’s often times a physical/chemical imbalance is a great help to others on this road. This is an awesome post!
Blessings always, Edie Marie
He is a lucky man to have to have such support and understanding. It’s so encouraging to hear from people who have battled and have found the way to peace and happiness. I hope he continues to have success in managing it for the rest of his life!! Thank you so much for your comment and sharing!! Blessings to your family, Shannon
I’ve been there with you and beyond (Yes, the DARKEST place)! I struggle daily but am in a much better place with medication. I’m happy you hit publish. Thank you for not keeping it to yourself as so many of us do. I think it’s one of the best therapies is to let it out in one big exhale and then the world can hug me or shun me…luckily for me I’ve only gotten hugs or the very least a ME TOO!
Yvonne. Medication is a life changer for so many. I am happy it helped you!! And thank you. I had a knot in my stomach when I did… but like I said, it felt right to me to do so. {{hugs}} from me to you!!
Shannon~ thank you for sharing. My childhood and growing up years were the best! In my teen years I often dealt with extreme anxiety, I would cry easily, and was overly emotional. This continued into adulthood. A few years back I sought medical help and a prescription from my doctor has brought much relief.
Enjoy the decorating ideas you share. Thanks!
Judy, I am SO glad that there are prescriptions that can change peoples lives. Their very existence!! So glad you got help and are in a better place!!
Shannon, I think it takes a great deal of courage to share. As home bloggers, we are always putting our best foot forward. We present pretty pictures of fabulously styled homes and I sometimes think that readers see a “perfect life” because of that. Sharing your story helps others to see that there are real struggles and real healing behind those pretty pictures and from a relatable and friendly source. Kudos. I am sorry that you suffered, but man you looked good! 🙂
Kim, you made me laugh. Ha… if only now I looked that good. Which of course we don’t know how good we have it at the time right? As I said in an earlier response. Exactly! I am more than pretty pictures and I am not so shallow that how my home looks is my main concern in life. I hope sharing does help, it’s been my experience it does. The more you strip away a stigma, the better!! Thanks again for the laugh 🙂
Shannon, all I can say is how very brave of you it is to share your story. It’s always easy to talk about the fun/happy stuff. Much more difficult to discuss dealing with depression. Only those that really deal with it (in any form) know that it’s usually not shared because we don’t want to hear the “Perk up!” “But your life is so fantastic!” “You’re so blessed, how can you be depressed!”. People mean well but if they’ve never dealt with it, they just “don’t get it”. You are inspiring and I thank you.
Exactly. I didn’t get into it in this post, but you said something I feel strongly about. One, I am more than pretty pictures and I am not so shallow that how my home looks is my main concern in life. Secondly, people can tell you all the wonderful things you have to be thankful for, but it has no bearing on your inability to cope with your situation, be it hormonal imbalance, chemical imbalance.. or what have you. So insightful!! Bless you!!
Thank you for sharing. You may have saved a life today by doing so. You never know how your words have an impact on others.
It took me to become an adult with children before I could figure out why in junior high school I started getting ill at school when I wasn’t sick. So many years later I finally “got it” and moved past the terror my gym class brought to my doorstep. I hope if a parent has a child at that age and they “get sick” in a certain class, the parent starts looking at that teacher with a wary eye.
Once into high school, the gym fear disappeared and I became a student instructor and participated in the sports that were available to girls back in the late 50s and early 60s. Just that one teacher could have ruined my life, as she did others, had my mom not pulled me out of gym and the school let me work in the office during that time.
Again, thank you for sharing. Have a restful weekend and I love your blog.
You never do know do you? Even if someone just feels… not so alone? Or maybe like they can talk about it, because sadly, it is so common. Everyone deals with things differently and while one student might be able to get through a hard situation, it can crush a more tender spirit. How wonderful that your mother was perceptive and willing to protect you. Take care now and thank you for sharing your story!! Shannon (:
Hi Shannon, I have a daughter named Shannon who suffers from depression, infact is bipolar and a recovering alcoholic. This all started when my oldest son comitted suicide. Please, people, consider what you will do to your family before taking such a step. And know that it is final. You won’t come back from it. I know that messed up body chemicals can make a person feel like leaving this world, but there are helps out there. It has taken a lot of years for our family to heal from my son’s death. It changed us all. Diane S.
I am so sorry for the loss your family suffered and the subsequent traumas Diane. I may have not made it bold enough in my post… but I did make sure to add that I’ve never been suicidal. I am in a good place and this was long ago, just starting the story, from it’s beginnings. I can not fathom what you went through. Blessings and peace to you!! xo Shannon
I am married to a man who has suffered depression as long as I have known him and when we finally got him on anti depressants and he changed the stress of the illness caused cancer and he has had 3 cancers ( all small cell) a ruptured colon and now he has survived all of this, but is unable to do most work.
I think that depression is the most misunderstood problem we have and the basis for much of the illness we have today. We need more education and don’t say, “it’s all in your head”. It takes lots of faith and prayer to live with this problem .
Carol, I am deeply sorry to hear about your husbands struggle with depression and the subsequent cancer you have had to endure. I agree, any kind of mental (hormonal/chemical imbalance) is extremely hard to live with diagnose and treat. It’s all so intricate. I pray for health and peace for you both. Blessings, Shannon
Thank you for sharing your heart and your experience with depression. So many struggle without getting the help and support that they need. Hopefully your story will be the guide for those that don’t know next steps. Hugs to you. Ps you were rockin the Farrah do. I idolized her growing up.
Even today, people can feel isolated and alone.. and I don’t want that. I am happy, almost all the time, but this is a reality for me and I wanted to be open about it. Thanks. My straight hair stayed feathered for about five minute. hahaha.
I am so happy you hit publish! XO
Thank you for your support Debbie. Always.
Oh, Shannon … thank you so much for sharing such a personal part of your life. I get it, I really do.
Unfortunately, I didn’t have a trauma-free childhood. While it looked ideal to those looking in, it was fraught with drama, upheaval, stress, damage and injury of all kinds and when I was engulfed by the black hole of depression and the paralyzing anxiety, there was no one to turn to, so I had to keep it all inside. It has taken me 50+ years to ask for help in dealing with it all and I don’t know if I will ever be free of it. I just want to learn to cope and live what’s left of my life in some sort of peace.
I was not surprised when Robin Williams took his life last summer. I always saw the fear in those eyes and I was just so sad he hadn’t been able to deal with his demons.
Thanks again for sharing so much of yourself with your readers, Shannon. I look forward to reading more in the future.
God bless,
Nancy
I felt the need to be more transparent. While I am happy, most of the time, there are times when I am not and I’ve learned to weather those storms. Things were so different back then, sometimes I think there is a knee-jerk reaction that makes you equate depression with suicidal teens. Another reader referred dealing with depression at an older age. That is a long road to walk. I absolutely know how you feel about coping and finding peace. And I wish both of those things for you. Wishing you both in abundance and many blessings, Shannon
Well Shannon, I know some of your feelings. Mine are different because my Mother passed away when I was in 5th grade (11 years 0ld). I was a good student, but always looking for female attention, which my grade school teachers gave me. It was different when I got to high school, they didn’t care……I will continue to read your story as I feel more depressed at my age now (71) than back then…….Hang in there. Sometimes writing things down and sharing, helps a lot…..
Judith, thank you for sharing something so personal. I’m so sorry… I can not imagine what that must be like, at such a tender age. Please feel free to private message me if you need to talk at foxhollowcottage@gmail.com – I am okay now, and I’ve learned to deal with it, this was all long ago. I’ll be finishing the story sometime in the coming weeks. Blessing!! xo Shannon
As a parent we want everything to be fine and sometimes when we hear – I’m fine, I don’t know and nothing…we should dig a little deeper. At least I wish I had. Thanks for sharing.
xo,
Debbie
You know Debbie… I don’t think we knew what to do back then, it wasn’t as bad as the 50’s but people still didn’t really have much information at their disposal.
I will be reflecting on my teenage years now, and taking a longer look at my own kids. Sometimes we don’t always listen as parents even if there are no words coming out.
You are so wise my dear, sweet friend. XO!!