The Girl Behind Fox Hollow Cottage part 5

(wrap-it up already!)

Hi there, if you haven’t been following along I suggest catching up so things make sense. You can do that by reading part 1-4 of my story before preceding any further [just click here to catch up].

It’s 9 o’clock at night, and we just got some devastating family news.

Hey, great time to continue my story right?

I got home from my Alabama trip last Sunday, and it’s been difficult to get back into the groove of things. We are moving forward with putting our new workshop in (I talked about that here if you want to peek) and one of the things necessary to facilitate that was to do some tree removal. We had been putting it off for some time. Sadly, at some point, several trees had been planted dangerously close to the house. They were interfering with power lines and there were various other hazards. Thankfully, it was very busy & noisy here, and it helped keep my mind off things.

I’m a little scattered right now, and I know I could wait to do this… but I already feel like I owe you an ending of sorts to my story. Not a final ending, I’d like to live lots longer… {winks}

But a wrap-up of that chapter.

I left off with the news that I had cancer.

You feel so, so many things and all so quickly. They come at you faster than you can grasp, whizzing past at light speed. My first thought was of my little boy, just turned 3, and still so much in need of his mommy. I remember thinking; “If I die now, he will never remember me”. That in itself was enough to knock me to my knees. I thought of leaving my husband to raise him alone, without me… and much more. There was no time to fall apart though, instead, I squared my shoulders and got ready to fight.

But first, I had to tell my mom. I had held off on talking to her about the few smaller things I had been having done, as to not alarm her unnecessarily. Now I knew I was going to have to share the news. I hated to do it…. my mom had just watched my Grandmother pass away after a long, ugly battle with cancer. The saving grace there, is that my Grandma never knew about me. It would have broken her heart. This was not a phone call I wanted to make. I mean, how much of a rock can one person be?

Apparently, mothers are granite boulders. (and dads are big softies.)

My job now was to fight & get better. I had to shop for a hospital, surgeon and anesthesiologist within my network. Done. Find and Oncologist and Radiologist. Done. It felt crazy to be making business calls and arranging those sorts of things for yourself. Very surreal. But it had to be done.

My dad came to be with us for my surgery. Jim was there too of course, but had to travel back and forth to check in at home and care for Austin. My dad stayed the entire time, over night, in the hospital. He said he never wanted me to wake up and have no one there in the hospital with me. So he slept in the waiting room down the hall. That is the man I called “Super Dad” growing up. He earned that title.

I had a great surgeon, though she had little humor… and even less bed side manner. Which is okay. I’ll take the great surgeon part for sure!! When I was being wheeled into surgery, I joked that I should get a tummy tuck out of the deal at the very least. She was not amused. Didn’t even crack a smile. Sheesh.

Going in, they were not sure how aggressive they would need to be. My surgery could be as simple as a partial hysterectomy. I ended up getting a Radical Hysterectomy. A Radical Hysterectomy involves: removal of the uterus, surrounding tissue, cervix, part of the vagina, the ovaries & fallopian tubes. My surgery also involved the removal of all 28 lymph nodes in the pelvic region.

The lymph node removal has resulted in Lymphedema in both my legs.

Lymphedema (lymphoedema in English), also known as lymphatic obstruction, is a condition of localized fluid retention (lymph fluid) and tissue swelling caused by a compromised lymphatic system, which normally returns interstitial fluid to the thoracic duct and then the bloodstream. Tissues with lymphedema are at risk of infection.

Here is where I struggle with… do I comment on my actual vagina? In case you are going to undergo a Hysterectomy, I will tell you it all works just fine in all the ways it’s supposed to, and leave it at that. Just make sure to follow all your doctors orders. Even the ones that might feel a little odd to you.

While still in the hospital after my surgery, I was told I would need to undergo both Chemo & Radiation. My dad started to tear up and I told him to stop, that we could cry later… because it hurt to cry and I wasn’t having any of it!! Dude, try crying when you’ve been gutted and you feel like Santa… with a bowl full of jelly for a belly. Not a good combo!!

After my surgery, I was off IV pain meds real quick… and after a few days, wandering around my floor at night, even chatting with and asking the nurses on duty if I could help with anything at all (ridiculous I know) but I was so bored! I was ready to GO HOME.

That car ride home was the worst though. You feel. Every. Little. Bump. And Curve.

You and your Santa belly of jelly.

My dad went back to work, and so did Jim once my mom, my Aunt Donna and her grand daughter arrived. My aunt and “K” stayed about a week before heading home. But my aunt made sure to make me a pan of her family (should be WORLD) famous fudge while she was there. I swear it was the only thing I remember eating for weeks & weeks… only my sweet buds worked and nothing tasted good at all. I’d have a sliver, and go back to bed. I’ve got to be the only person who got cancer and did not lose a pound though. What the heck right?

I jumped right into my Chemo & Radiation. No time like the present to blast that stuff right? I didn’t want to wait at all!! I was ready and my doctors were on board. I could not imagine “recovering” from my surgery and just letting all that cancer be free and happy in my body for weeks or months. No way! This was war.

My Radiation appointments were M-F at 6am. The only slot available. That was brutal, and 2 hour round trip drive to boot. Luckily my mom was driving me. On top of being fitted for a special metal lined apron that I wore during my treatments, I had to drink a ton of water every morning before my appointment to protect my other organs and keep my bladder full. You know… it’s pretty hard not to pee. It’s funny too… with everything they do to you, (and they do a lot!!) the oddest things would get to me. Like when I was told I had to get “tattooed” for my Radiation treatments. I cried when they brought the needles out. I still had staples in my stomach so I was very protective of it. And now they wanted to poke it with needles? What the heck. I got over it, and felt foolish, but was not prepared for that so it was a surprise. I really didn’t need any more surprises. Thank you very much.

My mom was dropping me off and picking me up for Chemo too, which thankfully was right in town. This was only once a week, and about the time you started to recover from the treatment… yep, it was time to go back. A few times they had to hold off or re-schedule because certain levels would drop to low, and I had to have the bee-sting shot a few times (don’t ask, I forget) to get things back up so I could take the treatments. The people in that office were angels. Angels!!!!

My Oncologist and Radiologist were also wonderful. Such caring men. Both were on top of the latest technologies, traveling (even to Europe) for continuing education, writing and speaking. I was a lucky girl!!

If you recall from my previous posts, my MIL was living with us, but had been preparing to move out, pre-cancer diagnosis. Plans stayed put, and she moved out while my mom was there. I was a little nervous, knowing when my mom left, I’d be on my own all day with Austin while Jim was at work. I worried about being able to care for him and keep up after my treatments were done. I did okay though.

Sadly, my mom had to get back home after many, many weeks of being in Oregon. I was able to get to my Chemo appointments on my own, and my weekly radiation therapy treatments were done.

My last treatment was a 24 hour internal Radiation procedure.

Internal radiation therapy, also called brachytherapy or seed implantation, is a type of radiation therapy in which radioactive materials are placed, temporarily or permanently, inside the affected area. This form of therapy delivers a high dose of radiation directly to the cancerous area.

I was literally radioactive. With metal shields on each side of my bed. No visitors allowed and the nurses stayed away as well. Internal means I basically had a cesium rod of radiation inserted in my you know where. Yeah. Pretty uncomfortable. I was very isolated and it was probably the worst procedure in a way. It was also two days before Christmas. (might have had something to do with it.) It was another level of treatment though, and I was willing to undergo if it helped my odds of getting everything. It was also, my very last treatment.

I was released on Christmas Eve day. My only prayer then, was to be well on Christmas morning for Austin. And I was!!

I’d compare my cancer journey to childbirth. Once you get through it… it starts to fade. Yes, I can recall how sick I was… how it felt like my hair would fall out any night… my head was so sore I still marvel that it didn’t, and how late, late at night, or sometimes in the shower, I would cry, gripped by a paralyzing fear that my son would grow up motherless.

It all fades though… enough that you can move forward. And the farther you get, the less you think every ache or pain is the cancer returning. That takes some time, I will admit!! It’s been 15 years now, and while I have some lingering health issues, I am lingering too! I’m still here.

I’ve talked about anxiety & depression in my previous posts and I want to share with you some of the things that I do now, that help me to lead a pretty happy life. They may or may not work for you. I sure hope they do!!

1. Being Thankful. Everyday. For sometimes the simplest thing. This will sound so cheesy… but it can be a happy little bird chirping it’s heart out. A good nights sleep. The sun being out. A good parking spot. The smell of a yummy conditioner in my hair. A good book. A big hug from Austin. A phone call from work from my husband… or that I can still call both my parents on the phone. I practice being thankful. I work at it, and cultivating a positive attitude.

2. Gratitude. I am grateful just to simply be here. Everything after that is icing on the cake of life. I’m grateful for the extra time I have had with my family. The roof over my head, a warm home, a car that starts, more food than I need, healthcare… all the basics we can take for granted and the simple little things that are easily overlooked.I stop and make sure to be grateful for it all!! The silly little things that I enjoy, like pillows and home decor that are not necessities, but I’m lucky to have, are frivolous extras, and I know that. I always hope to keep my priorities straight.

3. I talk to myself. When I can feel that fog wanting to slip over my happy. I talk it out. I’m upbeat and I’m a cheerleader in my brain. I re-adjust my attitude. I try to see what is going on that might be pulling me down. Am I too busy, stretched with too many projects, am I sleeping well? Sometimes it comes anyway, but it doesn’t last long and it’s never too bad anymore. I just don’t allow it to be. I’m super stubborn, and I’ve finally harnessed it to be useful!! I’m not saying I never have an off day, but I have not been in a depressive state that lasted more than a few days in years.

4. I talk to friends. Venting is one of my best defenses against depression. When I can talk things out, and work them out verbally I find I don’t get weighed down. I can’t just “bitch” though or dwell on negative things. It has to be positive, constructive, uplifting and working towards a resolution.

5. Learn to say NO. I get overwhelmed easily and I know that, so I say NO when I feel I am taking on more than I can manage. I still push a little bit, because I like to stretch and try new things, but I’m careful.

6. Learn to say YES. It’s so easy for me to say no to things that could be exciting or fun out of fear. I have some self-confidence issues because I am not slim. Since my cancer diagnosis, hysterectomy and subsequent Lymphedema issues (plus I like carbs) I have gained weight. I worry about dress codes for events because, with my lymphodema, I’m limited to what I can wear. I don’t show my legs because I wear compression stockings. Every single day. So I worry about not being able to wear skirts and dresses. Or even capris in Summer! With my feet, ankle and leg swelling issues, shoes are a challenge too. But I have feet and legs. And they work. So I am learning to say YES, because I am friendly, outgoing and I am not dead yet!!

On a side note: The thing that prompted me to finally share all of this with you, is the invitation I got to attend the Southern Romance event in Mobile, Alabama. I said YES, before I could say NO, out of fear. I could have talked myself right out of getting to go on an amazing trip, and I would have. So I knew I needed to say yes, quickly. I answered right away, and made my commitment. To say no… I would have missed out on a great opportunity and robbed myself of the chance to tour a vintage Southern home… and hear the stories, and meet the people… and to see and experience the South (which I had never visited). With balance, YES can be a wonderful word. I’m so glad I said Y. E. S.

7. Keep busy and have obligations. Having OBLIGATIONS is huge. I have lots of things I want to do, but the “have” to do obligations keep you going on dark days. Obligations that must be met, promises to keep and people depending on me. Best medicine ever!! If you can delegate and get out of social commitments, it’s not actually a good thing!! Force yourself to get out of your house. Have people or projects that depend on you. It really makes you put one foot in front of the other. I know for a fact, that keeping busy keeps me much happier & mentally healthier. Companies depending on me to turn projects in on time for collaborative campaigns, group events with other bloggers… all these things mean people are depending on me and I don’t want to let them down. I like staying busy and I crave change and little bits of excitement to keep things interesting. It really makes life more enjoyable and like I said, if you have a bump, you just plug along, get it done, and next thing you know it’s all sunshine & roses again! You worked right through it.

8. Self care. I’m super fired on this one. I will work, work, work… and I’m bad at making time to be kind to myself. I need to find a better balance. I’ve gotten a pretty decent handle on the other stuff… so it’s good that I’m not perfect, how fun would that be?

I think I’ll call myself interestingly flawed. hahahaha

As I always say, “There is so much more I could share… but it’s not a book!”

I know I sort of skipped from cancer treatment… to right now. I’ll give you the condensed version:

The middle was filled with being Austin’s mom. Holidays, field trips, I was a nanny for twins (such a great baby fix), I sold Mary Kay (great fix for missing my Macy’s days), We moved back to California for two years, then back here to Oregon again, We renovated and sold a home overlooking a park & lake, I had a successful ebay store (retail is in my blood), We bought and started the renovations on this home, I started this crazy blog! Whew. All caught up now.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I am still here, while others are not. I don’t think I am anymore special than them. Life is just so incredibly random. Pretty sure for me, it’s just dumb luck!

Here’s to being lucky, Shannon

Important Note – This is not meant to be a treatment plan for any mental health issues. I am simply sharing some things that have helped and worked for me. I hope you find them helpful in some way yourself. Blessings.

As I said in my first post when I began talking about my story, suicide is not something I have ever considered, even when feeling my absolute worst.

If you are, have or do think about suicide, please, please, please seek help. In that one moment, you don’t want to make a choice that you can never come back from. There is hope. There is help.

You can click here to visit The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and live chat if you are in crisis.

Or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.

PS: All my original comments and responses were sadly lost… as comments are automatically disabled on older posts (which I didn’t realize) but you can always message me on Facebook or send an email to foxhollowcottage@gmail.com

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